


“This refusal of exhibitionism is fed by a feeling of fear”

by Alias (anafabula)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Academic Funding: Hell 2.0, And drinking to deal with real life problems, Banned Together Bingo 2020, Conspiracy Theories, Financial Issues, Gen, I guess? Because it’s intersectional and it sucks!, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Lavender Scare, McCarthy era, Paranoia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Canon, Red Scare, Screenplay/Script Format, The Usher Foundation (The Magnus Archives), This is set in the early 1960s, Very very slight implied out-of-context spoiler for MAG 158, administrative hell, adults bitching about their problems, appropriately tagging Heads of the Magnus Institute is a nightmare txt it, as a proxy for other issues, discourse on outing, discussion of:, gay/lesbian solidarity for evil nerds, implied misogyny, only a little bit though, there is no plot just a nice phone conversation, your mileage on ‘niceness’ may vary.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28226907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anafabula/pseuds/Alias
Summary: “I hardly have a charmed life either, you know.”“You don’t get interrupted in the middle of handling grant applications by perfectly lovely young heterosexual men just wanting to make sure you don’t have any conniving lesbians stashed in broom closets.”
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	“This refusal of exhibitionism is fed by a feeling of fear”

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently `Socialist Communist Agenda` makes me think of one thing and one thing only. The title is an out-of-context quote from _The Dictionary of Homophobia: A Global History of Gay & Lesbian Experience_, specifically one of the sections by Didier Lestrade, because I think I'm funny.
> 
> Richard Mendelson is only mentioned once in canon, so (in case you need the refresher note) he's stated to have been James Wright's predecessor. I wouldn't usually credit the person in his position as Jonah but I was concerned about readability, if I'm honest. Meanwhile, one can assume from how Xiaoling talks to and about the Archivist in the show that his international counterparts are also in on it, by which I mean that's why Cecily is written accordingly.
> 
> N.B. The period-typical homophobia is very mild imo, but if use of "queer" and "homosexual" as nouns in a context where that's considered insulting is something you'd like to avoid wholesale, you may want to steer clear here.

INT.: THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, LONDON. DAWN.

_It is pressingly quiet: the day evidently hasn’t started for most of the building, if not all of it._

[CLICK]

[MILDLY OSTENTATIOUS SILENCE]

[SOUND OF PHONE RINGING VERY BRIEFLY]

[IMMEDIATELY PICKED UP]

**JONAH**

[ _Performatively mild_ ] This is extremely unprofessional, you know, Director Mayhew.

**CECILY**

I did literally ask first.

**JONAH**

I know. Are you—

**CECILY**

Thank you.

**JONAH**

You don’t have to thank me.

**CECILY**

We’re colleagues and I asked you to get up early in the morning to listen to me be sad and drunk, I think I do.

**JONAH**

Not that early.

**CECILY**

Sure. Look. I…

**JONAH**

You didn’t want this on the record even internally.

**CECILY**

I’m _scared_. And I don’t… I don’t like it.

**JONAH**

Fear is for other people?

**CECILY**

[ _Unserious warning_ ] Richard.

**JONAH**

Speaking.

**CECILY**

Anyway.

**JONAH**

So I should take into account that you’re drunk, you said.

**CECILY**

I don’t know, a bit? I— More just tired. If I say it’s the whiskey I get to retain some dignity the rest of the time. If I say I’m exhausted then they’re successfully wearing me down.

**JONAH**

And you wanted the more general excuse to be honest.

**CECILY**

[SHE SIGHS]

Just so.

**JONAH**

Tell me, then.

**CECILY**

Yeah. I. [ _Sharply_ ] You know, academia’s full of perverts, all of it, comes with the overthinking things, they could just give up.

**JONAH**

From the beginning.

**CECILY**

I keep thinking I would be fine with the risk if it weren’t for the irony.

**JONAH**

I said from the beginning, Cecily.

**CECILY**

So technically there’s no reason whatsoever for the federal government to consider _my_ hiring practices to be under their jurisdiction. Which means no one has… standing, exactly.

**JONAH**

And in practice…?

**CECILY**

I keep getting these very nice people asking me very neutral questions about whether, given they trust my expertise _so much_ , I could explain to them how the Foundation handles this amount of confidential information with limited ability to vet the people handling it, because they would just love to have more positive examples.

**JONAH**

Ah.

**CECILY**

[ _Picking up steam_ ] And it’s just that we’ve accomplished _so much_ in relatively little time and they’re _so_ glad to hear it, and how exactly do I think this could usefully relate back to the Russians, I don’t _care_ about the Russians, they can all go to hell for all I care, you know, maybe someone’s got a future failed ritual coming up that conveniently requires international heads of government right down past the level of talking heads who care about my employees’ sex lives and the whole system can get a nice clean slate, that would solve _everything_.

**JONAH**

Bit of a risky proposition to wish for.

**CECILY**

It’s just words.

**JONAH**

Mm.

**CECILY**

They think they’ve gotten through the whole civil service at this point and it makes them – braver. Wish it made them complacent but no, everyone has to… I mean you know how universities are, for one thing. Schools trying to preempt it and all that because they don’t want to be seen as needing correction, it’s… it puts more good people on the market than I know what to do with, it’s not like we have that many vacancies. And… Well.

**JONAH**

Wouldn’t do you any good to be even more well-known for employing wayward homosexuals?

**CECILY**

There’s a balance. It’s a shame. Plenty of qualified people out there simultaneously convinced they’re unemployable and that the worst thing in the world has already happened to them. If I had the budget surplus to be creating new positions left and right then I wouldn’t be on the phone with you at…

**JONAH**

One sixteen.

**CECILY**

Right, yes, fine, that sounds about right. Perfectly horrible time to be awake.

**JONAH**

You did this to yourself, you know.

**CECILY**

Well I’m not going to drink at work during the _day_.

**JONAH**

I’ve been given to understand it’s not—

**CECILY**

Maybe if I was a man, Richard.

**JONAH**

[ _Keeping a punchline to himself_ ] Point taken, I suppose.

It all comes back to funding, doesn’t it?

**CECILY**

It’s not like we have the kind of old money contacts you get to, we just – I – I mean.

**JONAH**

I hardly have a charmed life here, you know.

**CECILY**

You don’t get interrupted in the middle of handling grant applications by perfectly lovely young heterosexual men just wanting to make sure you don’t have any conniving lesbians stashed in broom closets, either.

I almost wish they’d accuse me point blank or tell me who’s got their eye on us or _something._ I, I don’t, I don’t really, I do have some sense of self-preservation, Richard, don’t start. But I just… What do they want me t—I mean, I know what they want me to say.

[ _With near-audible uncharitable hand gestures_ ] ‘Statistically, yes, the researchers handling your miserable confessions _are_ queers and sick in the head, this is what funding the humanities does, might as well call it quits on that experiment and let the American people sort themselves out.’

**JONAH**

Have their own internal attempts at investigating paranormal forces, ah—

**CECILY**

Oh my god, not even a little bit, it’s a national embarrassment.

**JONAH**

International.

**CECILY**

Yes! That too!

**JONAH**

Surely that gives you more room to work, then. If you don’t have any meaningful competition.

**CECILY**

Eh. I don’t feel like I have much room. I feel like the—

**JONAH**

Surrounded? Under scrutiny at every turn? Like the proverbial walls are closing in on you?

**CECILY**

Well, you don’t have to _say_ it.

**JONAH**

I think you know that I do.

**CECILY**

We have very different ideas of necessity, but fine.

[PAUSE]

The irony is _killing me_.

**JONAH**

‘You know, it’s not that there _isn’t_ an international conspiracy of queers plotting against your way of life…’

**CECILY**

That one’s at least relatively rare. Most of them just… Oh it’s more insulting, honestly. Which is saying something. Even with the people who do think we’re not patsies it’s, _ugh_.

**JONAH**

I don’t suppose anyone would benefit from incontrovertible proof you’re not a Communist plant in the form of knowing what you actually are, no.

**CECILY**

Right! And meanwhile it’s so hard to work out – we have this glut of, you know, you call them statements? All… Well, you know, ‘I think I’m being watched.’ Great, you probably are, none of my employees gets to figure out _how_ and if it’s _relevant_ because the follow-up just paints another damn target on my back so have fun with that because no one’s ever going to know! I hate it!

You know, you… You don’t think…

**JONAH**

I _sincerely doubt_ there’s a cult of the Ceaseless Watcher, entirely unknown to me, in your government, that despite all reason has opted for—

**CECILY**

Okay, okay, Jesus. You could let a girl be paranoid for five seconds.

**JONAH**

Generally speaking I would, yes.

**CECILY**

[ _Don’t start_ ] I swear if I actually snap and do something stupid—

**JONAH**

I would greatly prefer if you didn’t.

**CECILY**

Yes, well, so would I, currently! I would _love_ for the stupidest thing I do this decade to be cultivating a habit of throwing off my schedule getting sloshed and telling you about how much I hate my life because you’re the only informed observer I could complain to in the entire First World, but I keep _thinking_ about it.

**JONAH**

Not… Not too frequent a habit, I hope?

**CECILY**

No, no, God no. But I… do appreciate the opportunity. Here.

**JONAH**

Well. As you just said. If you ‘snapped and did something stupid’ out of sheer frustration with secrecy and I could’ve stopped it by—

**CECILY**

You’re too nice for your own good.

**JONAH**

I’m really not.

**CECILY**

I wish I was like you.

**JONAH**

[ _This might be an edge of real discomfort_ ] …What, not American?

**CECILY**

No, the, you – you know I would die for the kind of power you have, right?

**JONAH**

[ _Oh that’s fine, that makes sense_ ] Well. I would hope so. Hardly suitable for your position if you wouldn’t.

**CECILY**

Think I’ll ever get the opportunity?

**JONAH**

I think I don’t see this line of questioning leading you anywhere helpful.

**CECILY**

I did tell you I was…

**JONAH**

Is the being maudlin about your own humanity going down on the record attributed to the whiskey too, then.

**CECILY**

Something like that.

I just. It wears on me. I don’t like knowing people – you know, statistically speaking – I don’t like knowing my enemies don’t even think I’m _competent_ , I don’t like people thinking I’m being used.

**JONAH**

Rather be hated for things you’ve actually done?

**CECILY**

I have _literally dreamed about it_ , that I just _– ugh_ they’re all the same bureaucrat in my head, and I want – I could tell them I’m insulted if they ever made the insinuation to my _face_ but no, it’s always about concerns vetting staff on a shoestring budget, not that anyone’s going to help with that, but aren’t I concerned about background checks for—

**JONAH**

Well.

**CECILY**

I know! They’re not even wrong!

**JONAH**

I wouldn’t go that far.

**CECILY**

Not in the same universe as being wrong, though. Just… over there in a world where it makes sense that… You know I said the people who have been, you know, discovered, they think they’re invulnerable, sometimes? That there’s nothing worse that could ever happen to them so ‘at least it’s over’?

**JONAH**

[ _Potentially sarcasm_ ] I’m sure it torments you night and day to not be able to prove them wrong, yes.

**CECILY**

It really does, that’s _so_ – I mean, it’s not ideal, I can’t exactly quantify useful weaknesses like that without knowing who it’s applied to, but…

**JONAH**

[ _Definitely sarcasm_ ] ‘Not only are the vast majority of my employees queers, _all_ of them are easily compromised, which I’ve sought out for the sake of my Homintern agenda and will not hesitate to use against them should someone on my payroll experience a sudden attack of patriotism.’

**CECILY**

Got it in one, that’s the kind of thing I dream about. Well—

**JONAH**

Yes, yes, also saying you’re ‘not a damn Communist’ _with_ the follow-up regarding your actual more interesting dark master instead of stopping somewhere appropriately American of you.

**CECILY**

It’s a point of pride!

**JONAH**

[ _The kind of pacifying that is itself a punchline_ ] I didn’t say it wasn’t.

It wouldn’t be useful.

**CECILY**

No.

I hate them for it.

**JONAH**

I know.

And the difficulties with funding? Anything concrete in terms of impending crises?

**CECILY**

I mean, I – no, it’s just attrition right now, but we’re kind of hard up for philanthropists over here. Unless you know any and have been holding out on me.

Please tell me you’ve been holding out on me.

**JONAH**

Not in so many words, no.

[CECILY GROANS]

**CECILY**

Worth asking.

**JONAH**

If you say so.

**CECILY**

I don’t think I’m asking for – you know, advice or a resolution or…

**JONAH**

That would be ideal, given I don’t think I have anything to offer you.

**CECILY**

Here’s a thought.

**JONAH**

Which you’ve certainly not been building up to this entire time.

**CECILY**

Oh, come on, my emotional crisis is genuine in and of itself.

And, you know. Liquid courage. I – I hate asking for favors.

**JONAH**

You hate asking _me_ for favors.

**CECILY**

Also other people.

**JONAH**

What’s the favor.

**CECILY**

I really have been ignoring them. Well. As much as I know how. But if I got you names… could you…

**JONAH**

Know things of use?

**CECILY**

Well, could you?

**JONAH**

I believe your actual question is whether I would.

**CECILY**

Oh sue me for not blindly trusting the exact parameters of your unnatural power. Yes, I want to know whether you actually would.

**JONAH**

It’s very important to me that my Institute remain on good terms with its sister organizations.

**CECILY**

You won’t _have_ a sister organization here to be on good terms with if I slip up.

**JONAH**

Tell you what.

**CECILY**

So that’s a yes then.

**JONAH**

You keep me appraised and I’ll see what I can do.

**CECILY**

[ _Was that a pun_ ] I was hoping you’d say that.

**JONAH**

Oh? You weren’t sure?

**CECILY**

I’m never actually sure with you.

I mean, it’s not like we…

**JONAH**

Is that any consolation? That your fear takes the form of something akin to our god?

**CECILY**

What if It… I don’t know, what if It thinks…

**JONAH**

That’s not how this works.

**CECILY**

Right. Yeah. Well.

I don’t know. I don’t know if it helps. I don’t want to find out.

**JONAH**

Right.

**CECILY**

Names?

**JONAH**

I trust that you’ll keep me informed as you see fit.

**CECILY**

And will do the rest of my ‘seeing fit’ while better-rested and sober?

**JONAH**

I can’t speak to your personal life.

**CECILY**

Sure.

I…

**JONAH**

Looking for an excuse to wrap things up?

**CECILY**

I have _manners_ , Richard.

**JONAH**

Mm.

**CECILY**

Fine. Some manners.

**JONAH**

Good… evening, Director Mayhew.

**CECILY**

[ _Oh god, linear time_ ] You have a better day than I will.

**JONAH**

I might, yes.

[HE HANGS UP]

[BACKGROUND NOISE OF SOME EARLY RISERS STARTING THEIR RESPECTIVE DAYS BECOMES MORE OBVIOUS]

[CONTEMPLATIVE PAPER SOUNDS]

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> Comments will make my day even more than usual. (I like writing horrible people bantering about third parties they hate _so much_ , you guys, so much.)
> 
> Update: my partner has compelled that I note the joke I couldn’t quite make work in this draft and realized too late, which is, in response to ‘conniving lesbians stashed in broom closets’, “I was under the impression your office is significantly larger than that unless things have changed _significantly_ more than you’d implied since my last visit, yes.” Sadly, hindsight.


End file.
